Archive for category Entertainment
In the last few weeks there have been some dramatic world events. I refer of course, to when Charlie Sheen went a bit crazy and when Rebecaa Black taught us where in the week Friday features (before Saturday).
The videos went viral (metaphor I just came up with for things that are popular on the internet much like a disease or virus is popular). Discussion of them brought people together across social networking sites (these are sites which were recently invented as a substitute for water coolers after the 8 glasses of water a day myth was debunked).
However they also highlighted the terrible nature of the internet. That is, to rejoice in ridiculing others, be it for their troubled mental state, lack of talent, or love of double rainbows.
I watched the lackeys who quickly flocked to smile at Charlie and encourage him to go on tour rather then go to a psychiatrist or read my pitch for Hot Shots 3 (it’s basically a spoof of Dancer In The Dark). Then I watched the Friday video and read about not only the creepy company who promise to make these children into stars but also the vile abuse that was launched at the 13 year old Rebecca Black purely for being so so so excited about Friday (which comes after Thursday).
I was horrified at how the world was so happy to use, spit up and chew these people, though possibly not in that order. It chilled me to the bone.
But then, just as I was rubbing some heat and life back into my bone, I suddenly noticed their giant Youtube hit count. And I realised that maybe I could use them and this mass awareness to help get more Newsart out into the world.
Surely if it was in the name of art it was ok to use mental illness and child expolitation? Even noble perhaps? Especially if it gave me increased google traffic?
So I set about making a beautiful artwork.
I bought these geese as a metaphor about the celebrities whose dignity and privacty has been sacrificed to satiate our incessant hunger for a rich, buttery pate of mindless, shallow and mocking entertainment.
I force fed the poor creatures to make their livers fat and juicy, a perfect metaphor for the lies, drugs and empty compliments that have been force fed to Sheen, Rebecca and countless other celebrities or celebrity wannabes.
Then I read that Charlie is now going on tour and Rebecca is working on a new song called LOL. So I chased the geese around the backyard, partly as a metaphor for the wild goose chase that Charlie and Rebecca are clearly on as they try to retain some control over their sudden infamy, but mostly because one of the geese had somehow got hold of my house keys.
Then I tried to make them give birth to some golden eggs as a metaphor for the dangers of seeking fame and wealth too soon and all at once, but they weren’t having it.
Finally I put video of myself chasing the geese around the backyard on YouTube (accompanied by amusing sound affects). I was hoping that it too would go viral as a circular metaphor for the fleeting and worthless nature of internet fame (and also so that I could direct the google traffic back to my newsart…maybe sell some t-shirts!!).
Unfortunately people found that the pairing of the title ‘Charlie Sheen’s Attempts To Retain Control and Dignity’ with footage of me chasing geese was ‘misleading’, ‘confusing’ and ‘so shit wtf lolz’. Soon the comments became too abusive and somehow turned into a debate about America’s involvement in Afghanistan until eventually I had to take the video down. Ironically I felt the opposite of LOL. Ironically.
The King’s Speech has won Best Film at the Oscars and so Black Swan has been a massive disappointment to me.
Obviously this is because, firstly, it somehow managed to be a dance movie WITHOUT the ballerina being taught to chill out her prissy ways (and maybe even find love?) through some after-school dance lessons from a hip hop dancer living on the wrong side of the tracks.
And secondly, because I bet on it to win, both at the bookmakers and in my artwork.
All my preparation to represent the Oscars had gone into rounding up these black and white swans. As a homage to Black Swan I was going to teach the swans be more passionate and brave, just like the molesty French guy did in Black Swan and with similar teaching methods (by just ordering the swans to forget about technique and instead masturbate a lot).
As time was precious I had to find a way that these swans could represent The King’s Speech instead. Luckily I realised that the English white swans, or ‘Mute’ Swans, could be used to represent King Colin and his stuttering ways.
Mute swans are called Mute because they are less vocal than other swans. Their poor voices have even led to the myth of a ‘swan song’, the Mute swan’s first and final beautiful song it sings just before dying. This has also been used to describe an actor’s final performance of their career, leading me to wonder if Colin Firth is planning a retirement announcement soon. But this would seem ridiculous given his sudden awards success!
The Mute Swan’s closest relatives are these Black Swan which are found in Australia. They have no speech problem and instead utter a far reaching bugle-like sound that is often mistaken for a feisty Antipodean speech therapist with no respect for monarchy or tradition.
I also found that Mute Swans are usually gentle but are very defensive of their nest, particularly from World War II Nazi threats. And amazingly, Mute Swans were given Royal Status in the 12th Century, almost as though the monarchs of old KNEW one of their descendants would one day be contesting a Swan Lake ballet film for the Best Oscar.
This would mean they also predicted the advent of cinema which is, quite frankly, astounding.
So now I had established the clear link between black and white swans and The King’s Speech, I set about training the Mute swans to become better public speakers, using all my Aussie charm and lack of respect for authority.
Unfortunately the swans were quite confused after my weeks of ballet training (that was so heavily focussed on my repeating in a French accent “go ‘ome and touch yourself”). They didn’t understand why we were switching from ballet to public speaking and refused to watch my recording of the Oscars to understand (they resented the furore over Ricky Gervais hosting the Globes so were very anti awards shows).
I realised I needed to regain the swans’ trust. I researched EVEN more, sometimes delving as far as the SECOND paragraph in several Wikipedia articles.
I discovered that when swans were given royal status, this made eating them an issue of getting permission from the Queen herself. It led to a practice known as ‘swan upping’. I tried to clarify what this involved but after already ordering the swans to masturbate heavily this sounded like too much to put them through.
After some time, however, I was finally beginning to feel progress.
Unfortunately I turned my back for just a couple of hours and immediately a hip hop dancer from the rough side of town snuck into our studio. He only did one sexy dance with the swans but it immediately taught them that not only can ballet and hip hop exist together but their combination can make you feel more alive then you ever have! And it makes the dance routine even more current/late 1990s!
I had completely lost the prissy swans to his urban charm.
It seems, unlike ballet and hip hop, the Oscars and swans do not mix. Just ask Bjork who had that one try to strangle her one year. Though she’s probably sick of swan ballet/hip hop questions.
Prince William is to marry Kate Middleton. For two days the world has been excitedly discussing the ring he chose, upcoming royal memorabilia and whether they will scale down the wedding amidst these harsh economic times.
Firstly I want to point out that with all this talk about austerity and rings and so on, everyone keeps forgetting the simple, happy fairytale that is at the heart of this news.
I am referring, of course, to the joy that must be being felt by every single ‘official royal correspondent’ around England who FINALLY has a reason to be interviewed and asked for opinions again after years of a Royal News drought.
They must be as giddy as a bride on her wedding day as they stand by for interviews 24/7, pretending furiously that
a) They have any actual extra information to impart that normal reporters don’t already have
b) they have an important function in society and shouldn’t be euthanased now while the laws are still wishy washy.
But now, onto the news artwork.
I was disgusted at the angle that the business sector in London immediately took on how much money could be made out of this. A tale of young romance was instantly being assessed purely in pound values.
I even saw a man discussing how his factory had been planning the tacky mugs, plates and spoon memorabilia for this event for the last two years. They were actually tracking the pairing of twin souls simply to plot their profit through cheap trinkets!
What they are ignoring is that this is a beautiful expression of what is unique about Britain. William and Kate’s love is warm, comforting and calm. It is nourishing yet not too flashy. Above all it is thoroughly British and well mannered.
Just like a good cup of tea.
To represent this very British love, I made this tea pot and filled it with warm, loving, English Tea.
As I didn’t want to make it too flashy, I used quite cheap materials. I then realised that the money I saved on these materials meant I could afford to make many copies of it.
I wrote the title of the piece ‘William and Kate’s engagement, 2010’ on the outside of each copy.
As I was transporting them back to my studio via a flea market, I accidentally tripped and they fell, in neat order, onto an empty market stall. Several passers-by immediately offered me money for them as they saw my art as a way to remember this great event.
Of course, that is why I make art, so I was only too happy to sell them, at just twice what they were offering.
I had some more copies made and have already made a small mint. And as the Mint is where coins with the queen’s head on them are produced I guess, in a roundabout way, she would (officially) approve my tribute to her grandson’s important life decision/mass-manufactured, low-quality teapots.
PETA are mad at Lady Gaga and so am I!
To protest the discrimination in the US military’s Don’t Ask Don’t Tell policy on homosexuality, she wore a dress made of raw meat to the Video Music Awards.
Here is Cher giving Gaga her award in the meat dress.
Peta are obviously asking how she can justify wearing dead, nay (neigh), BUTCHERED animals on her body to defend civil rights!? Isn’t she being an Oxy Moron? And what about the cows’ rights? What if they were also gay and seeking a military career? Would she have felt she was fighting their cause correctly by murdering them then wearing them as a suit? And how would they hold the guns with hooves?
To demonstrate how her choice of outfit was morally wrong, no matter how just the cause, I have made this sculpture.
This replica cow represents the many innocent creatures that were murdered so that Lady Gaga could display their remains as ‘fashion’ on international television.
As you can see, the cow’s corpse has been strung up in an undignified pose, high in a tree, for the world to point and laugh at (or it has run up there to get away from Cher before she takes its skin for her ‘evening face’ collection).
However… in the name of truth in art, I should admit a sad note to this sculpture.
As I am not good at sculpting purely from my imagination and usually need a subject to work from… I did have to murder a cow and hoist it into a tree to get an idea of how to create this piece.
Well I say a cow, but it actually took about six or seven because the first few cows proved too heavy to hoist into the tree (turns out my dad has a weak back… or weak will). Also I had a problem with farmers spotting me in their field offing their cattle so had to do a runner several times before I was able to successfully drag my art/kill away.
But I think the message against animal cruelty remains adequately clear.
This week Leonardo Dicaprio finally got a restraining order on a woman who has been stalking him. She claimed to be his wife and pregnant with his love child ‘Jesus’.
At the same time today BBC Radio 2 presenter Jeremy Vine spoke of a charity campaigner who allegedly stalked him for months. The woman even changed her surname to Vine and put a photoshopped picture of the pair of them together on her Myspace.
The real issue here is how obsessed our culture is with celebrity. As he lived in my city, I decided to talk to Jeremy Vine about whether he feels this would have happened to him if he wasn’t in the public eye.
Unfortunately he wouldn’t agree to an interview and after a while he began ignoring my emails and phone calls requesting said interview.
I waited outside his house for a few days in case his email and phones weren’t working but he never seemed to see me waving and running after him when he left the house. Bizarrely his doorbell was also faulty.
Eventually I decided if we weren’t going to be able to coordinate an interview then the closest I could get to learning how it feels to be in that celebrity world was to simply go through Jeremy Vine’s bin and maybe eat any of his food scraps or try on some of his clothes.
Unfortunately some policemen arrived (just as I was trying on what I assume was a pair of his ripped tights) and asked, in a not very friendly way, that I leave. The police are clearly not art lovers.
They made me go without taking any of the food scraps or clothes I had been collecting for my art. Hence I could only make this replica of the bin I was rooting through.
We now use it at my house and it actually is a really good replica. In fact he’d probably find it amusing how similar it is. I might email him about it.
Celebrities are like Greek Gods… they live in a world of power and privilege that us mere mortals can only dream about. Also many of them are getting beards these days. And several were in that film Clash of the Titans.
But, just like the Greek Gods, they often abuse their power and fame.
Kanye West did this while I was away.
Kanye began using Twitter and decided to follow just one person, at random. He chose an anonymous 19 year old from Coventry, Steve Holmes. He knew that this would change the boy’s life immediately, giving him a taste of the life of a god.
But he did this without preparing the boy by first asking his permission, sending him a warning or letting some slutty goddess come and give him a horse with wings. Steve hated the sudden media attention he got.
Why did Kanye do this? To amuse himself.
I decided it was high time for some Revenge Art on behalf of this Steve Holmes. This time the target had to be celebrities and Twitter.
And there is no greater Twitter celebrity than British national treasure @StephenFry.
How would Stephen FRY feel if he was treated/tweeted as carelessly as Steven HOLMES was? How would this Greek God like being randomly chosen by the slings and mouse arrows (WORDPLAY ALERT!!) of fortune to have their life turned around?
I, @heidi_regan, a small time and beginner tweeter (representing small time tweeter Steve Holmes), began following @StephenFry the giant celebrity (representing Kanye West). I did this completely out of the blue and WITHOUT WARNING.
The results were almost immediate! Within only 20 minutes of my choosing to follow him Stephen Fry was SWAMPED with 1,653,675 followers! A week later and he had 20,000 more! Another week and it was almost 40,000 more!
I hadn’t thought to check his follower numbers before I added him but I would assume it was no more than 400 or so because no one has many more friends than that. Not to mention the fact that lots of people don’t like the internet (I find it condescending).
I can only imagine the anguish Stephen is now going through as he tries to understand and cope with this sudden explosion of attention and fame. So I will imagine it.
I have also represented it in art.
To portray my attack on the destructive Greek Gods I have created this sculpture of a triumphant Perseus killing the Medusa. Perseus was, like me, a mortal who slew a powerful god/followed them on Twitter.
Also Medusa was a goddess who was both beautiful and ugly, like fame, and she had hair that would have been very difficult to manage, like celebrities.
Actually I just remembered that Perseus was meant to be part God. This could be said to imply that I also am part god/the chosen one, which is very flattering, thank you.
There is nothing sadder than someone who can’t distinguish between reality and fantasy. Over the weekend I built this large group of skyscrapers.
This was in response to a sad tale of a British soap actor being attacked in a pub for something his TV character had done.
His delusional assailant could not separate real life and TV, his dream world and waking life.
This pathetic story made me think about how we often walk through life in a day dream, never stopping to examine what is truth and what is lie… or are a lies. It is just like in the Matrix when Morpheus asks…
‘Have you ever had a dream, Keanu, that you were so sure was real? What if you were unable to wake from that dream, Keanu? How would you know the difference between the dream world and the real world? ‘
I wanted to ensure I didn’t become like this poor, delusional man who attacked the actor. Hence I built these skyscrapers to mirror the ones Morpheus used to teach Neo to free his mind.
I then attempted to jump between them and bend gravity, something Morpheus teaches we can do when we stop confusing fiction and reality.
When I woke up in hospital I could only assume I made the jump and, as no one ever makes the first jump, this attracted the attention of evil Agents and they attacked me, putting me in hospital. How else would I have got all these bruises and broken bones?
But also if I was able to survive an Agent attack, this indicates I may be the next Chosen One.
In conclusion, confusing fiction for reality is a terrible and dangerous thing to do. Also if Hugo Weaving asks if you have seen me recently, please tell him he just missed me. Maybe also mention that as lord of the Elves he shouldn’t be so violent!
The artist formerly known as Nostradamus has released his latest album in CD format only, coming as a free give away with those paper versions of newspaper websites that people hold on the train when they can’t get any internet signal on their phone. Prince said ‘the internet is completely over. I don’t see why I should give my new music to iTunes.’ Full story in the Telegraph here
This news obviously foreshadows great change for the world, and much more importantly, for me. As someone who has only just begun to use the internet to showcase my amazing art, I am very sad to hear the internet is over. Frankly I would have appreciated a bit more warning from Prince and now I feel like a bit of a goose.
I wanted to represent Prince’s important news for us with a beautiful sculpture of him but I then read rumours that in 2007 he banned fan sites from using images of him. Apparently he then denied this and said it was only in regards to trademark of images, however I don’t want to risk getting into copywright trouble as I am always VERY careful with my art concerning copywright and ownership issues.
To represent Prince’s news and album release, I have regurgitated on this pavement. I then lured these pigeons over.
For centuries carrier pigeons have been used as vital messengers, especially when technology was not able to do this for us. Just like Prince, these pigeons bring important messages and hiptoplasmosis. In this artwork they are drawing our attention to the vomit, just like Prince is bringing up the issue of CDs, a technology that was served up, enjoyed and digested years ago. A technology that should really be left as a distant memory of a hearty meal but instead Prince is shoving two fingers up at the World Wide Web and then putting them down our collective throat until our gag reflex/nostalgia for a past era reacts.
Also the pigeons tried to talk to me about becoming a Jehova’s Witness.
I was also going to do a review of his CD but all the shops where those weird, human-shaped, talking internet shopping cart things sell the CDs near me have shut down and I can’t venture too far from my flat anymore as I am completely dependent on the internet and morbidly obese, fed by online supermarket deliveries and sexually serviced by Chat Roulette sessions and a Japanese robot sex toy I got free with some credit card points.
I decided to instead revisit some of his past work but sadly my iTunes is not syncing with my iPhone and after trying to get it working for the last two hours I have started weeping too much to see the keyboard.
Unfortunately BP didn’t respond to my plea for corporate funding yesterday and so I was left still penniless for today’s news ARTicle. However, by a stroke of luck, yesterday’s artwork happens to also apply perfectly to today’s topic of the new Twilight film, Eclipse, so I have managed to reuse it (in the spirit of recession and cost cutting measures).
I have represented the three Twilight films released so far by regurgitating by the side of the road again. This was to lure these two cute pigeons. I feel they portray beautifully the sweet, sweet tale of Bella and Edward.
These two love birds (pigeons mate for life) are here clearly enthralled with one another (you can’t see in this photo but the pigeons were only capable of two expressions; sighing heavily with pained, furrowed brow and sighing louder with more furrowed brow. This vaste range of emotions proves their angsty and not-at-all-dull love for each other).
They enjoy this angsty, lacking-in-any-signs-of-laughter-or-actual-fun love while they sit on the side of life’s highway, watching time whizz by too quickly (and occasionally getting too close to its wheels) as they talk ad nauseum about the virginity of one of the pigeons and unsubtley promote abstinence to teenagers. While they do this they feast happily together on a regurgitated cocktail of plots, themes and characters from more layered and imaginative vampire stories of old. I call this ‘Two Pigeons Eat Vomit While Crowds of Teenagers Faint From Arousal’.
I hope to have heard from BP or a similar corporate sponsor in time to fund a grander artwork tomorrow.
The Glastonbury Festival was an amazing, sun soaked extravaganza of fun, friendship and f… f… festival attributes. This is my ART review of it.
I have sculpted this figure of a carefree and youthful man, dancing as though he has no care in the world, despite the fact that his penis has been snapped off. I have also adapted a popular poem to go with it.
“Dance as though no one is watching you,
Love as though you can’t smell the five days of sweat and other people’s pee on your partner’s clothes,
Sing as though the people around you came to hear you and not the professional band on stage,
Live as though you haven’t spent five days leaving toilets shouting ‘Oh God, I looked down again! Why do I keep looking down in there?!! What do I expect to see?! How did that come out of a human?!!!’