Posts Tagged Football
This week the enormous sums being offered to football stars sparked outrage across the UK.
In these harsh, cold, dark, smelly, unattractive times with our failing economy and only one Royal Wedding to pin all our hopes and dreams on, the anger is not surprising.
Many Brits feel that these giant sums are unjustified to young men playing sport. Young men such as Andy Carroll who are then perceived to spend the money on extravagant nights out and court appearances for drunken behaviour.
I decided to show the world who we should really be appreciating and treating with respect and awe.
I collected a group of carers, charity fundraisers, lawyers who work pro bono (once I found out that this wasn’t a sexual thing) and doctors and nurses working for Medicins Sans Frontieres.
I then told them the great news; that through one of my generous art benefactors, I was able to reward them for being the real heroes in our world! Their salaries would now be the equivalent of Premier League footballers!!
Some of them would even be paid as much as £50,000 a week (the ones who were better football players got slightly more than the less skilled players because I still hadn’t figured out an alternative way to grade their pay).
Their joy at this news was wonderful. And yet, to my horror, I saw them quickly become used to the idea and begin to squander the cash immediately!
The ink on the cheques was barely dry (none of them had internet banking which was also a hassle I won’t go into now) when they began throwing their money around. Suddenly they were buying large houses (with adequate disabled facilities for the people they were caring for) or splurging on drugs (for the underfunded Medicins Sans Frontieres) or even settling court cases (for the pro boners)!
They were behaving just like the immature footballers we had all judged so harshly.
And it didn’t stop there. When two weeks later I gave them the news that the salaries I had bestowed on them was less of a real thing and more of an artistic idea of a salary, a metaphor if you will (please say you will), they became enraged!
I can’t even begin to describe the spoilt behaviour as they shouted and used foul, offensive language (eg. ‘this is the worst art I ever heard of’ and ‘no one cares what you think’)!
As a final act of appalling aggression, they trashed the sculpture I had made to represent this whole idea of removing the divide in professions. It was a beautiful, giant statue of a footballer groping a nurse and made out of beer cans.
This was a metaphor for the idea that no matter what our income or level of fame, we’re still actually all equals who can touch each other’s souls or, failing that, each others’ naughty bits on a drunken night out.
I called it ‘When souls touch/rub up against each other in the toilet queue because the queue for the womens was massive after one of the toilets started overflowing and then we got chatting’.
This is all that is left of my art, along with the lesson we have all learnt from this, that large sums of money change even the most noble of person or profession and make them act like jerks who don’t appreciate great art.
When I heard about the World Cup I was so excited! Finally I would be able to barrack for football teams as I could now simply transfer my various prejudices and stereotypes of nations onto their representative teams! I knew I had to create an artwork in tribute to this glorious game.
I decided to make a musical instrument that represented the glory that is football.
First, I gave it the same amount of musical notes as the usual fascinating game has goals (anywhere in the range of zero to one). I then made its length correspond with how long a game feels (very, very, very long). Finally I gave it the ability to lure women with Louis Vuitton handbags in the shapes of shoes from nightclubs all over Essex.
After making the prototype I wondered to myself, “what is the only thing more fascinating then a person talking in a long, dull monotone about Fabio’s late announcement of team lineups?” The answer? “Everyone at work and the pub and on TV and on radio and on the bus talking in a long dull monotone about Fabio’s late announcement of team lineups!!”
Hence I realised I had to make not just one of these instruments but thousands and thousands and thousands. As their long drone sounded across the world I realised I had successfully conveyed through art the magic of football.
However, as often occurs with all brilliant, ground breaking art, there are now people who want to silence its message. And its honk. In one way I am happy because you are not a true artist unless you are causing controversy and upset but on the other hand I’m worried I’ll have to give my £200 funding grant back to Hackney Council.
So please, if you value expression and beauty and permanent ear damage, send a letter to your local Minister for the Arts asking him (or her) to demand that they (or them) keep these art installations in place in South Africa.