Posts Tagged News predictions
As I have stated already (so stop going on about it) I am currently away. The last few days have required me to PREDICT THE NEWS EACH DAY by using all my journalistic and soothsayer skills (if you would like a copy of my erotic crimefiction novel, The Journsayer, please contact me. It’s perfect for holiday reading by the pool or leaving by the pool).
I am currently writing this on Tuesday 22nd June and imagining what world we are all in by Tuesday 29th. Here is what I am fairly sure will occur in the not too distant future (Tuesday).
SEA LEVELS ROSE TODAY TO WIPE OUT NEARLY ALL OF HUMAN KIND (EXCEPT PEOPLE WHO DRESS LIKE THE FILM MAD MAX)
The drastic effects of climate change were finally felt as the oceans rose to wipe out billions of people. The earth has been submerged, leaving only a water world. Officials urged the stockmarket not to panic as it has never been a confident swimmer.
I was very sad about these events. I have always liked humanity and the earth and the combination of the two.
I wanted to make what could be my last art piece in tribute to this event. Due to the momentousness of this occasion I decided to go out big and acquire funding of roughly $175m, a record sum for an artwork. I began work on a giant sea water enclosure to depict what I felt life would become in this frightening future on Tuesday.
Unfortunately we were hit by production hassles, budget worries and a hurricane and the above is all that was left of the piece.
Reception was disappointing with many notable art critics being highly critical of the piece, taking their job title far too literally for my liking. I hope the post apocalyptic civilisation we are left with learns from these catastrophic events about the need to appreciate my art better.
As mentioned last week, I am currently away. Well, while I write this I’m not, I’m sitting on my bed wondering what the odd smell in my room is.
However, by the time you read this it will be the future and I will now be in the past, still on my bed with the funny smell. But also I will be in the present with you which is the future to… them. Also I’ll be taller.
The previous two days of ARTicles have been what I can only assume were accurate predictions of the future/present/now the past. However as I try to think even further ahead to Monday/today/the future I find it a far off and distant prospect.
What will the future hold? I have used my best powers of deduction to figure this out and have hence reported the following news, which I assume will have happened about 8am today for you.
After years of speculation, scientists have finally developed the next stage in communication, appropriate to the future/current day that we now live in and which seems normal to us now, despite our strange new clothes that are all pastel coloured.
Using the latest research into enzymes and brainwaves and… laboratories and… the latest Flash player upgrade, scientists have finally brought telepathy from the realms of science fiction into the realm of non fiction and shut off the doors to all other realms so it is trapped.
I was most excited when I read about this as I wrote it. I wondered how the scientists will achieve this great advancement in technology but being only a humble/amazing artist I can only guess.
I have built this tower to signify how I believe the new telepathy communication will be achieved. I think that everyone will be given small, hand-held boxes that will enable them to connect to this giant tower which manages the individual telepathic neurony messages between all humans. The customers will then press simple keys on the box to pick who they want to communicate with telepathically. This will alert the recipient that someone wants them to open their brainwaves for communication. They will press a button agreeing to this invitation and then the telepathy will begin!
After a trial period I think people will find the silence as the world communicates in telepathy disturbing and people will be encouraged to voice out loud what they have just mentally communicated, probably into their boxes so there is no confusion as to who they are talking to.
I have called the tower the BT Tower, to stand for Benign Telepathy. This is to signify the Telepathy and also that it is a benign technology as I’m sure people will be worried about the obvious brain tumour risk to do with the high degree of radiation needed to enable the communication.
THE FUTURE IS NOW!!!! (not now now but now now when you’re reading this now)
As mentioned yesterday, I am away for a few days. However, as the news doesn’t take holidays and art only has weekends off, I have prepared news predictions and accompanying art for the days I am away. Here is today’s…
After George Osborne announced drastic budget cuts on Tuesday, fears of riots harking back to Margaret Thatcher’s reign became a reality as protests erupted around England.
I was appalled when I heard/imagined this scenario. Why can’t we have civilised and constructive debate in these very serious times? How are we ever going to progress when neither side will listen to the other?
I decided to make an artwork about the dangers of miscommunication.
I was inspired to remember the story of the Tower of Babel from the Bible. In this man’s pride made them believe they could build a tower that would reach heaven itself. So God made all the men working on it speak in different languages, making communication impossible.
I gained access to this skyscraper that was mid construction. Rather than make everyone forget their native tongue, which I probably could have engineered eventually, I instead gave them all detailed booklets to play roles in a giant game of Host A Murder Mystery. Each construction worker played a different character in a murder mystery set in a 1920s mansion.
What they didn’t know was that none of the clues I was giving them each matched up. As they believed themselves to be nearing a solution as to who the murderer was, they were actually merely becoming more befuddled and confused, and falling further and further behind in the deadline on finishing the skyscraper.
After three weeks I revealed the news to the owners of the site and their employees. They were suitably angered at their folly.