Posts Tagged Vuvuzelas
I might not have mentioned this enough times but I have left for the Glastonbury festival. So as to not deprive the world of my art while I am away being inspired by and, more likely, being inspiring to musicians, I have prepared news predictions and accompanying art for each day I am away. This is the first.
Last night England’s vital match with Slovenia ended in shock when, in the last 5minutes of the game, as the score lay at 14-14, a small child suddenly ran onto the pitch. Seeing that he was in danger of being run over by a local rhinocerous who had charged onto the pitch after being frightened by the vuvuzelas, team manager Fabio Capello ran onto the pitch to pick up the child, despite all players being determined to play on. The rhinocerous was then tackled by a roaming pack of English football hooligans.
Capello’s action forced a penalty shot to Slovenia and they won 15-14. The decision earned Capello widespread condemnation from the British public and media.
I was very moved and quite surprised by this news/prediction of mine. I have sculpted this replica rhinocerous to remind us all of the message that sometimes there are more important/immediately-dangerous things in life than who wins and who loses. Most of them are to do with escaped wild animals.
This is something England seems to have forgotten… in my scenario.
When I heard about the World Cup I was so excited! Finally I would be able to barrack for football teams as I could now simply transfer my various prejudices and stereotypes of nations onto their representative teams! I knew I had to create an artwork in tribute to this glorious game.
I decided to make a musical instrument that represented the glory that is football.
First, I gave it the same amount of musical notes as the usual fascinating game has goals (anywhere in the range of zero to one). I then made its length correspond with how long a game feels (very, very, very long). Finally I gave it the ability to lure women with Louis Vuitton handbags in the shapes of shoes from nightclubs all over Essex.
After making the prototype I wondered to myself, “what is the only thing more fascinating then a person talking in a long, dull monotone about Fabio’s late announcement of team lineups?” The answer? “Everyone at work and the pub and on TV and on radio and on the bus talking in a long dull monotone about Fabio’s late announcement of team lineups!!”
Hence I realised I had to make not just one of these instruments but thousands and thousands and thousands. As their long drone sounded across the world I realised I had successfully conveyed through art the magic of football.
However, as often occurs with all brilliant, ground breaking art, there are now people who want to silence its message. And its honk. In one way I am happy because you are not a true artist unless you are causing controversy and upset but on the other hand I’m worried I’ll have to give my £200 funding grant back to Hackney Council.
So please, if you value expression and beauty and permanent ear damage, send a letter to your local Minister for the Arts asking him (or her) to demand that they (or them) keep these art installations in place in South Africa.